I miss the Ugly

I miss the discomfort of wearing jeans. Their stiff hands stubbornly clinging onto my thighs.

I miss carrying a heavy bag everywhere, and the

I miss sitting on a crowded bus and being terrified of the dude wearing three hats on top of each other, trying to start a conversation with anyone about the reptilian lizards that are surrounding us.

I miss the annoying feeling of wanting to, no, needing to rub my eyes but not being able to because it would smudge my mascara.

I miss filling in my brows and patting on blush every morning, half-asleep and much too trusting in my ability to do things with foggy eyes.

I miss the feeling of running to the bus stop every morning, out of breath and in frustration because I forgot my folder. Yet again.

I miss frizzy hair with humid days and crying in front of strangers.

I miss the disgusting school bell and the even more disgusting school grounds.

I miss all the ugliness and unpleasantries of my existence.

What I’ve learnt, being trapped in a cement box for four days and all is that beauty and suffering tend to come hand in hand.

With the jeans comes the fun of dressing up and with the heavy bag comes the decadent relief of setting it down after a long day. With the bus comes the blessing of movement and the itchy mascara the comforting knowledge of my lashes reaching the heavens.

The sleepiness is intertwined with the excitement for a new day and the sprint to the bus a reminder of divine timing,

The frizzy hair brings the ability to create fuller buns and crying in front of strangers is strangely cathartic.

The school bell heralds a new class and a new period of mischief and the school grounds brings- well I can’t really see the silver lining in that.

I’m most definitely still suffering despite being tucked safely away from the horrors of the world thanks to quarantining. Which makes me wonder, maybe the anger I feel over the inconveniences’ of the day-to-day isn’t caused by the faults in the world, but the faults in my perspective. The faults in me.

Tranquillity follows chaos and contentment follows unrest.

We all can appreciate beauty, it’s almost impossible not to, but it takes devotion and determination to admire ugliness, the confusion, the chaos of it all. To fall in love with such things unlocks the ability to cherish one’s human experience truly, fully and unconditionally.