A giant gaping hole resides within me.
And as all giant gaping holes tend to be, it was of my very own making.
Actually, no! It was of my parents making that I’ve learned to live around.
I try to fill that hole with love. Not from me, but from others. My love language is words of affirmation and quality time so naturally, I beg others, those I (falsely) admire, to tell me that they love me. To sit with me and drink herbal tea. To read and debate and discuss all matters, no matter their trivial or profound nature.
But my attempts are futile and fruitless, for no one has the time or the words to mend my wounded ego.
A child of neglect tends to grow into an overburdened and underloved adult. And that seems to be the unfortunate direction of my trajectory.
But I refuse, dear reader, I refuse!
I refuse to be a passive and pathetic slug, lugging the days away, bathing in the decadence of self-pity.
I refuse to be a statistic, an expected result from the tired ‘tragic childhood’ trope.
I refuse to allow this gaping hole to continue to grow and suck others in as if the world owes me anything at all.
Because it doesn’t. The world owes me nothing. No one owes me their time nor their love, and certainly not the occasional compliment! Heavens, no! That is much too much to ask.
I, on the other hand, owe myself absolutely everything.
For it is me who picks myself up afterlife grabs his savage club and knocks over my ankles.
For it is me who always shows up and celebrates my victories fully and wholeheartedly, every time.
For it is me who I wake up next to every morning, with puffy eyes and atrocious hair, and simply smile at myself, for no reason at all!
So why do I place such weight on those not worthy enough when I’ve been holding my own hand this whole time!
I need nothing. I need no one! (an exception would be my sister, my god do I need Punya lol)
What I do need is me. For me, to sit with this painful black hole, listen to all the insulting critique he wishes to hurl at me, then to hug him and let him know that it was no fault of his for his dreadful existence, to grab his hand and then to guide him to a peaceful place. A place of love, contentment and fulfilment, fueled solely by me. And me alone.
For when I do finish that journey, I’ll have the most marvellous tale to tell! The tale of the most magical love story I have ever, and will ever, know.
AMAZING APS