I took myself on a date today.
It was a spontaneous date as I was waiting for Punya and mine’s favourite burger shop to open. I had an hour of nothingness in the bustling city awaiting.
I sat in Gong Cha, the mist of tea lazing around the still air, as the gentle clangings of pots kept me awake. It’s a cloudy Sunday morning.
I was going to opt for the classic Grapefruit Green tea. But I chose the Basil Seed because she deserves a chance and I will not dare tempt stagnation to fester.
I realised I had little interest in my phone and instead was eager to watch the half green half-orange flutter in the wind. They were adamantly sticking to their branches. The change of seasons seems to bring a change of self.
They say you should stop and smell the flowers. I’m going to stop and start sitting with the flowers instead. To ask them about their day and make sure the bees remembered to say ‘thank you’ this time.
I walked at my own pace. For quite literally the first time in my life, I strolled. There was no expectation for me to walk at another’s pace or the hurry of upcoming obligation riding on my shoulders. I just strolled. I could choose whether I wanted time to exist.
The world was at my feet just as I was at hers.
During my stroll, it occurred to me that in the mosaic of high rises and steel structures amongst which I stood, the tree trunks were the strongest. For they rise out of stubborn concrete and bear the cruel city smog, yet still maintain their electric leaves.
I entered a gorgeous building full of oversized bags and, I can say with a high degree of certainty, there were more mannequins there than people. I didn’t even care about going into the shops. I just wanted to observe how the arches hung and the columns stood, how the glass glowed and how the tiles lay. The absurdity of architecture hit me. I am inside art.
I also wanted to people watch. Not in an ‘I want to wear your skin’ kind of way but in appreciation for the clumsiness and grace of being human. The way couples effortlessly weave their hands and walk in complete synchronisation, love in their eyes and eagerness in their step. And the way others cling onto their bags instead. The way that groups of girls giggle to each other and tell stories with passionate hand gestures and the way most men seem to walk with a semi-visible chip on their shoulder. Like they’re holding something back but they’re not quite sure what.
I breathe in the crisp notes of independence. Of silence. Of being by one’s self. Delicious, truly.
I am in utter shock of how I’ve walked past these places so many times, but I’ve never really looked. I’ve never observed the way the world sits and interacts with herself. I wonder what value I add to this world, and what more I could do.
To be present, I realise. To value fully.
I catch my reflection. My eyes are decorated with smudged mascara from last night’s sleepover and my half combed hair sits with a slight frizz.
I’ve never felt more beautiful.
They say you can change your life anytime. I choose constant change. The size of the change doesn’t matter, as long as each moment is a constant shift.
I sit on the train home, by myself. I take up two seats because I can.
Now that I reflect on the scattered happenings of my self-date, I realise that there was very little sense or sanity and I really was just walking in circles and looking at pigeons. There is absolutely nothing else I’d rather be doing. Truly.
It’s quite late now, and I’m typing this piece in my warm room, being read Dostoyevsky by a smooth and beautiful voice and am slowly drifting away into a welcome state of unconsciousness.
They say the meaning of life is to give life meaning. This very moment is the meaning.
I have never been happier.
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