Selflessness?

I think it was the YouTuber, Friendly Jordies, who once pointed out,

“You spend 99% of your day thinking about yourself. Every thought you have links back to you, how it affects you, how it made you feel, what you should do about it.”

That’s not quite the direct quote but you get what I mean. Ah! Do you see! Even then, I was assuring myself that you understood me.

And now I’m pointing things out about my actions.

We’re all narcissists, to some degree. I guess it’s how our species has survived for so long. In Western society, the widely-agreed upon mantra seems to be,

You look out for you and I’ll look out for me.

Yesterday was the first time I had ever bought a meal for a homeless person. I’ve been more than capable over the last 4 years to do that at any point in time, I’ve had access to a card filled with money, I’m surrounded with stores abundant in their supply of food and I’ve had more than enough time to do so.

Yet I’ve been so utterly consumed in the desire to buy a new dress or to drink a over-priced and over-sugared tea,

That it never had occurred to me that I have the power to make sure that someone without shoes or socks had eaten that day.

I am so ashamed of myself.

I was laying in my plushy and warm bed this morning, wrapped in layers of blankets and my head rested on a memory foam neck pilow, crying over some tired boy drama.

I then realised how there are people, right now, in refugee camps, lying on bare rocks in the blistering sun or crippling cold, crying about much worse.

Every time I open the LED-lit fridge and begin to complain about how there’s nothing to eat,

I look at the fresh fruit and vegetables, the plethora of vegan cheeses and tofu and breads and realise,

I should shut my spoilt mouth right back up.

Even this entire blog post is me reflecting on how selfish and stupid I am.

How do I escape this? How do I not think about what’s going on in my life when I quite literally live in my life.

Hold on, let’s rephrase the ‘I’ statements.

What does it mean to be selfless? What does it mean to serve others? How do I do serve others in as many moments as I can? Not in a tired ‘Westen saviour who is attempting to shave off her privileged guilt’ but a genuine and human ‘I won the birth lottery and you did not, how can we use my privilege to your advantage?’ type of way.

Because ultimately, it is a random lottery. I got to have breakfast this morning because of the house I was born into. I have multiple pairs of shoes, access to running water and am writing this very piece in front of a heater sourced with electricity that I am not paying for on a $2000 laptop I most definitely did not pay for because of pure, dumb luck.

I don’t think to look down at myself for having first-world problems is very productive, after all, rolling around in self-loathing isn’t helping the children in Yemen.

I don’t know what will though.

I’m going to make it my life's mission to figure it out.