Have you ever experienced The Blank State?
I don’t know if any words can paint an accurate experience of it, but I’ll try my best.
It’s when you experience stress, fear, confusion, anxiety, hopelessness, frustration, hurt, loss of control and desperation all at once, so you go beyond it.
Beyond stress, fear and confusion.
Way beyond anxiety and hopelessness.
Quite beyond frustration, a loss of control and hurt.
Even past despair.
The body switches off its fight or flight responses because it knows all too well that you can do neither.
Your mind switches itself off and you go into a time-warping trance, almost as though the brain is inducing a coma of its own in order to fast forward through the painful moment.
But you’re awake and aware, still in your own body and most certainly still in the situation.
I experienced The Blank State today.
I was petrified.
I lay on the foreign bed, watching a foreign ceiling with the familiar sensation of the familiar turning foreign creeping through my bones. I pick up my big pink water bottle and take long and weak gulps, just like my 3-year-old self did with her milk bottle when she went through the same.
It was the drive home, I believe, with Bhawna when The Blank State made its subtle exit. We were jamming up to ‘Act Up,’ so it was either the City Girls I owe a debt of gratitude to or time.
I felt a little disappointed in myself because I wasn’t handling much the best I could. How dare I panic so dramatically when I had been working so hard to avoid this exact thing!
But why do I constantly punish myself for experiencing the human in human experience? How dare I not acknowledge and praise myself with great pride that I handled today with so much more compassion, honesty, humour, patience and receptivity and strength than I would have a year, month or week ago? I should never commit such injustice.
So although The Blank State made his unwelcome reappearance today, I sat him down, made him some chai and listened patiently to everything he had to say. I gave him a hug, after all he’s just as frightened as me. I opened the door for him and allowed him to leave. As he paced hurriedly away (it’s the only speed he’s ever known) I thanked him for his visit. He certainly taught me a lot.
Most of all, thank you to Bhawna who made me feel safe and assured throughout all the chaos. You are my hero <3
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