The Pain of the Process

Oh!

My phone died.

I guess I could watch Tik Tok’s on Punya’s phone or maybe start watching Mean Girls again for the 75th time?

No! No more.

For I want to feel what it is like to rule a line again. On a smooth yet gravelly, bleached white A4 paper, I want to pick up a literal ruler and measure points. And then I want to rule lines. There is discipline in the pain of the process.

I want to do yoga. Contort my core into all stretches, not only to experience the pain but stay in it for 30 seconds and then feel the blissful relief of the counter stretch. I want to submerge myself in the pain of the process.

I want to paint! To surround myself with beauty of my very own making, and to learn again what colour is and means. I want to make mistakes, cry in frustration and work around it. I want the pain of the process.

I want to workout. I want to feel my muscles sear. I want to sweat, be drenched in my very own movement and then taste the sweet nectar of a quick swig of water. And then to return to the pain of the process.

I want to wipe down my desk, vacuum my floors and empty out my bin, over and over again. Every 2 days. I will enjoy the satisfaction of a deep cleanse as though it was of my very own souls’ but somewhat dread the cyclical happenings of it all.

I want to read, and to read a lot. To experience another’s fictional woes and worries and become a vessel to turn said emotions into reality. To be bored and allow my mind to wander and then to rein it all back in again. I want the temptation of distraction during the pain of the process.

There is no longer any want, within me, to numb myself to the drudgeries of life by passively sitting on my phone and letting the discomfort of life pass me by. No! I will immerse myself in it. Feel every painful moment, relieve every frustration and bathe in all ponds of boredom.

For if we all agree that to live is to be in bliss and to be in bliss is to live, then we must also accept that,

To live is to suffer and to suffer is to live!

It is the ugliness that gives beauty its beauty and the beauty that gives ugliness its ugliness.

Duality!