I’m uninspired and keep producing random drafts of nothing that never seem to make it to the publishing stage. In my journey of reparenting myself, I have decided that I will sit down mindfully and make the conscious effort to write something. No matter how poor, boring or drab it is, I refuse to wait for life to happen to me. It happens with me and for me.
I’m uninspired. Like a pathetically passive passenger, I’ve been idly lazing until an opportunity to create spontaneously comes my way.
I’ve been feeling quite dull. Every day seems to become a little more monotonous and every passing hour a little more nothing.
I haven’t breathed in a while. The shallow heaves are still there of course, keeping me just barely alive. But I’ve forgotten what it feels like to truly take in air and feel it travel through your vessels 7 seconds later.
I haven’t felt this much apathy and stagnation in a while. I haven’t baked in a month nor deep cleaned my room for longer. It seems I’m choosing to decay in a sugar-less mess instead
To be brutally honest, nothing quite feels safe anymore. I had long ago accepted that people are a draining whirlwind of constant chaos and I’ve actually started to enjoy the nauseating danger human connection brings. But at the end of the day, I knew I could return to my art and myself and feel safe and at one with all.
But now this space feels defiled and I feel like I need an eternal shower.
I will take a deep breath, as deep as I can draw at least, and realign.
I will not wait for inspiration to randomly bump into me. Instead, I make the conscious choice to constantly work at creating an inspired core so that it is something I create and have access to. I choose to be inspired.
Brightness is not a right. I should not be able to feel the electric wind and the colourful sunlight at all times. I must get through the humid clouds of exhaustion and figure out how to breathe them in deeply. For air is air, and it is up to me, the breather, to figure out how to breathe.
To laze around and not care is feeding into the ego.
Hold on.
Wait. Why am I so harsh about everything?
Why must I always realign?
Why can I not just go with how it all cosmically aligned in the first place?
I’m so utterly exhausted.
I’m just going to go to sleep.
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